


9 to 5

by Celebrate_the_irony



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/M, M/M, Office AU, cuz you know thats oh so original
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-04-09 04:52:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4334573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celebrate_the_irony/pseuds/Celebrate_the_irony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hi everyone!<br/>Just a few notes about Casual Tuesday! Casual means fully clothed! Please wear pants everyone!<br/>Thanks<br/>Simmons</p><p>Or an office au where Simmons is Dwight and everyone else is Jim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Writing erotic fiction about your colleges is extremely inappropriate!

**Author's Note:**

> So I think I think I should explain the formatting out of this, it's done like a bulletin board where Simmons posts his notices on there and the other characters graffiti on his beautifully formatted notes. I just wanted to make it clear in case it gets confusing, I hope it doesn't get confusing but I wrote this at like 3 in the morning so who knows.

22/6/15

Hi everyone!

Just a little reminder if someone has put their name on an item in the office fridge, it is for their use only!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

 23/6/15

Hi everyone!

I see that I may have to remind you again that if it’s not yours don’t touch it!

Thanks

Simmons

 

Simmons

No one’s eating your homemade stew. We throw it out because it stinks up the fridge. Please for the love of god stop cooking it.

Thanks

Everyone

* * *

24/6/15

Hi everyone!

Could the person who has been tearing down these notices from the notice board please stop! These notices are a vital way for me to keep up with the office!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

25/6/15

Hi everyone!

I’ve noticed that the printer has run out of ink again for the third time this month! Could everyone please remember to print only work related items?

Thanks

Simmons

 

Does work related items include the “motivational” posters you print off by the dozen? Think of the trees we could save, Simmons.

Grif

* * *

26/6/15

Hi everyone!

Just a reminder that the office is a non-smoking area! As Human Resources Manager it is in my best interest if my employees live past 50!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

29/6/15

Hi everyone!

The smoking ban applies to ALL things that smoke, so Grif this means no campfires! It does not boost morale and it only boots paperwork for the OHS manager! Please don’t do it again!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

30/6/15

Hi everyone!

Just a few notes about Casual Tuesday! Casual means **fully clothed!** Please wear pants everyone! Grif, although dressing up as movie characters is not against the rules of Casual Tuesday, it is frowned upon! Please refrain from dressing as The Gimp it is inappropriate for the workplace! 

Thanks  

Simmons

* * *

1/7/15

Hi everyone!

Could whoever took my stapler please return it?

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

2/7/15

Hi everyone!

By return my stapler I did not mean return a piece of it with a ransom note! It is not my place to give you days off! Grif, please return the rest of my stapler!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

3/7/15

Hi everyone!

There never has been, nor ever will be a Bring Your Pet to Work Day! I am moving lunch to now so you can take your pets back home! Also, Caboose seems to have lost his pet tarantula Freckles so if you see it, please let him know!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

6/7/15

Hi everyone!

Just a reminder that Caboose’s tarantula is still missing. Please let us know if you see it!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

7/7/15

Hi everyone!

Caboose’s tarantula has been found! However, the screaming was very much unnecessary, Donut!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

8/7/15

Hi everyone!

Could the owner of the four-month-old yoghurt please remove it out of the office fridge?

Thanks

Simmons

 

Dude that’s Junior’s science project. He’s studying decomposition, he’s gonna get at least a C for this shit.

Tucker

 

Hi Tucker!

As much as I care about your son’s education, I value the office morale more! As Human Resources Manager I feel the yoghurt is bringing the morale down! Please remove it from the fridge immediately!

Thanks

Simmons

 

It smells better than your godawful stew. Get over yourself Simmons.

Grif

 

* * *

 9/7/15

Hi everyone!

Toilet paper is to remain inside the bathroom at all times! It does not belong strewn about my office! Grif, please apologize to the cleaners for making such a mess!

Thanks

Simmons

  

Why is it always my fault?

Grif

 

Hi Grif!

I am a huge believer in the laws of probability! And the laws of probability state that when something goes wrong in the office it’s you!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

10/7/15

Hi everyone!

Children are not to be brought into the office! Especially random children off the street! They are not cute and we cannot keep them, even if they would make an excellent mascot for the office! You are very lucky Caboose that the police were not called!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

13/7/15

Hi everyone!

Could the person who has been drawing moustaches on everyone’s personal photos please control themselves! You are on your third warning, Grif!

Thanks

Simmons

 

Just out of curiosity, why haven’t I been fired yet?

Grif

 

_[Note thrown at Grif’s head]_

 

Grif

You’re a fucking idiot but you’re this office’s fucking idiot. If we lost you this whole office may collapse

Simmons

_[Note thrown rather forcefully at Simmons’ desk knocking over a pencil mug in the process_ ]

 

That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me Simmons. But passing notes? What is this, Degrassi?

Grif

 

_[Note pelted at Grif’s pre-after lunch snack so hard he dropped it]_

 

That’s the only nice thing I could say to your fat ass. Are you kidding me? They actually liked each other in Degrassi. Also you wouldn’t have anything to do with Donut’s office being painted pink would you? Because that is legally classed as bullying and as your Human Resource Manager I can’t have that in my office.

Simmons

 

_[Note thrown directly in the middle of Simmons’ forehead resulting in many cheers from the office]_

Oh you wound me. No surprisingly, Donut did that all by himself. Calls it personal freedom and has his argument prepared in case you tell him to repaint. And it’s a light-ish red don’t make my mistake.

Grif

 

_[Note thrown by Caboose, after Simmons asked nicely, at Grif causing Grif to be knocked off his feet]_

Duly noted. But the men’s bathroom suddenly being covered in pictures of Idris Elba was you right?

Simmons

 

_[Note covered in wet pink paint from Donut’s office thrown at the back of Simmons’ jacket]_

 

Again no. Church said he didn’t find black people attractive to spite Tucker so now Tucker has put Idris Elba on all the urinals so that “the most attractive human being on this earth can judge your tiny unused dick”

Grif

 

_[Note written on the back of a partially wet picture of Idris Elba and thrown at Grif’s face]_

 

Creative. What have you done today then?

Simmons

 

_[Note written on the back of a torn motivational poster]_

 

Distracted you while Donut convinced Caboose that the receptionist is madly in love with him and wants to whisk him away to the Caribbean. Brace yourself for impact in 5…4…3

You’re welcome

Grif

 

* * *

14/7/15

Hi everyone!

Just a reminder that it is inappropriate to run away to elope in work hours! It is also inappropriate to attempt start a fight with Caboose, Lopez! You will lose! Shelia is not a toy to be fought over! Must we have yet another Appropriate Behaviour in the Workplace Seminar? I will do it do not test me!

Thanks

Simmons

 

Hi everyone!

As Human Resource Manager it is perfectly within my rights to request the need for a seminar! Writing "Fascist Pig" on my office desk is completely inaccurate and furthermore it's vandalism! The cleaners overtime will be coming out of your paychecks!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

15/7/15

Hi everyone!

After careful deliberation I have decided to go ahead with Donut’s suggestion of a Secret Santa! It may be September but I feel that this could have a wonderful effect on office morale! Could everyone meet in the lunchroom at 2:00 so we can sort out who gets who! The presents will be handed out on Friday!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

17/7/15

Hi everyone!

After that disaster I am reminded why we stopped doing Secret Santa in the first place! Edible underwear was not an acceptable gift to give your superior, Grif! A nude portrait is not a work of art but rather an awkward gift for Tucker to receive, Donut! And Church put a bit more effort in, we could all tell that the “meal” you made for Lopez was actually last night’s leftovers! If we could never do this again it would be appreciated by all!

Thanks

Simmons

 

_[Note sneakily passed to Simmons]_

 

Put on the underwear and I’ll meet you in the staff bathroom in 10.

Grif

_[Note passed to Grif almost immediately afterwards]_

Excuse me?

Simmons

 

_[Note handed to Simmons]_

 

Oh come off it Simmons. You know you want me to fuck you.

_[Note passed to Grif with an unimpressed look]_

This is the laziest seduction I’ve ever experienced, this must be why you’re still single. 

 

_[Note accidently thrown at Simmons’s crotch as he was walking past]_

 

Yeah you’ve just been Grifed. 

Grif

 

_[Note thrown at Grif’s coffee mug, that reads “Is it lunchtime yet?”, nearly breaking it]_

 

I can’t believe I’m saying yes to this

* * *

 20/7/15

Hi Tucker!

If you could please take down the nude portrait Donut painted of you from Reception it would be highly appreciated! It is starting to make everyone uncomfortable and it is not the welcome to the company that we want!

Thanks

Simmons

 

Aw nah dude you’re just incapable of handling my banging bod.

Tucker

 

Shut up Tucker we all know you only fucking hanged it there because Wash just started working at Reception.

 

Woah woah Church, ix-nay on the ash-way

* * *

21/7/15

Hi everyone!

Just a reminder that you are not oppressed, and shouting that you are, at the Administrative Director, is inappropriate, Grif! Leading the office in a rendition of “Do you hear the people sing?” was also inappropriate, Tucker! Sarge may have thought it was amusing but, if you could not do it again, that would be wonderful!

Thanks

Simmons

 

* * *

 22/7/15

Hi everyone!

Writing erotic fiction about your colleges is  **extremely**   **inappropriate**! Reading it aloud with lewd hand gestures is also not appropriate for the office! Grif and I are not an item and suggesting that we have sexual chemistry is just plain wrong, Tucker!  Agreeing with him Grif was not helping things! If we could stop this before we need to get Sarge involved and he suggests a seminar that would be fantastic!

Thanks

Simmons

  

Hi everyone!

Petitions to ban seminars are not legally recognized here! Please stop starting them Grif!

Thanks

Simmons

* * *

23/7/15

Hi everyone!

Well now you’ve done it, Sarge is coming down tomorrow for the Appropriate Behaviour in the Workplace Seminar! Or as Sarge likes to call it, No Touchy! You can give credit to Church for once again bringing his partner into the workplace!

Thanks

Simmons

 

More like banging his partner into the workplace. Bow chicka bow wow.

 

Hi Tucker!

Comments like these is why we need a seminar! The language is getting out of hand and is unacceptable for the workplace!

Thanks

Simmons

 

Hi everyone!

Just reminder that we do have a complaints system! There is no need to write “Complaints Box” on the trash can!

Thanks

Simmons

 

_[Note chucked at Simmons while he was cleaning the “Complaints Box”]_

 

Bit hypocritical for you to be going off at everyone about appropriate behavior in the workplace don’t you think?

Grif

 

_[Note thrown at Grif while he was eating his pre-home time meal]_

 

I don’t know what you’re talking about

Simmons

 

_[Note written on the back of a receipt from the secret santa debacle]_

 

I didn’t know my edible underwear eating skills were that forgettable. I’m hurt Simmons

Grif

 

_[Note quickly thrown at Grif when Simmons thinks no one is looking]_

 

No one is questioning your eating skills fatass, it’s your blowjob technique that could use some work.

Simmons

 

_[Note passed to Simmons as Grif was leaving]_

 

Wanna help me practice then?

Grif

* * *

24/7/15

Hi everyone!

Yes there is a test at the end of today’s seminar! Please Donut stick to yes or no answers! Any use of Bow chicka bow wow is an automatic firing Tucker!

Thanks

Simmons

 

_[Note subtlety passed to Simmons at the end of the seminar]_

 

Well that was awful. Wanna go get drunk and forget everything we just learnt?

Grif

 

_[Note thrown at Grif when Sarge had his back turned]_

 

Fuck yes. Meet you out the front in 10.

* * *

25/7/15

Hi everyone!

Congratulations! You all passed the seminar test! Please try to retain some of the information you have learnt!

Thanks

Simmons

 

_[Note thrown at Simmons]_

 

You didn’t actually mean what you said last night did you?

Grif

 

_[Note passed to Grif]_

 

I was drunk and stupid I’m sorry

Simmons

 

_[Note handed to Simmons]_

 

Don’t be

 

Hi everyone!

There is now a ban of painting offices! It is not personal freedom it is time wasting and inappropriate! Tucker it was unnecessary to ask Donut for a sequel to his previous works! Caboose trekked brown paint all over the office and now we have to pay the cleaners overtime which is coming directly out of your paychecks!

Thanks

Simmons

 

_[3 rd note passed to Church after the first two were scrunched up and tossed in the trash]_

 

Do you think Simmons and Grif are fucking?

Tucker

 

_[Note thrown at Church]_

 

CHURCH ARE THEY FUCKING YES OR NO?

TUCKER

 

_[Angrily scribbled note pelted at Tucker]_

 

Why the fuck should I know? Why are you fucking passing notes? WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SIGNING THEM WHEN I KNOW IT’S YOU??

 

_[Note passed to Donut because Church is a fucking stick in the mud]_

 

Hey Grif and Simmons? Actually a thing or nah?

Tucker

 

_[Note passed to Tucker, written in almost illegible cursive]_

 

They’re either getting there or they’ve gotten there. Have you noticed during lunch break they both disappear off together?

Donut

 

_[Note written in triplicate and passed around to Donut, Caboose, and Church]_

 

I have a plan. Meet me in the staff room for more info in 15.

Tucker

 

* * *

29/7/15

Hi everyone!

Congratulations! Yesterday was our first day without an incident! Sarge called yesterday asking where the day’s incident reports were, I had the pleasure of saying we had none to give! You have all made me a happy man!

Thank you so much

Simmons

 

* * *

30/7/15

 

Hi everyone!

Two days in a row! I am so proud! This is everything I could have hoped for as a Human Resource Manager!

Thanks guys

Simmons

 

You are so sad.

Grif

 

* * *

31/7/15

Hi everyone!

An impromptu seminar has been called in the conference room at 2:00, it is entitled _Appropriate Behaviour in the Workplace Take 2_ or alternatively _I Have a Boner for Paperwork… and Grif; The Life and Times of Simmons!_ I look forward to seeing you all there!

Thanks!

Tucker!

 

Nice

Grif


	2. Incident Report 1 31/7/15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ OWHS TYPE 1- MINOR HAZARD  
> _ OWHS TYPE 2- MAJOR HAZARD  
> X OWHS TYPE 3- SALES DEPARTMENT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I want to get this done before holidays end so watch me speed run this fic. Fortunately it's fairly easy to write. On the downside my grammar is atrocious so idk you win some you lose some.

3/8/15

 

**BLOOD GULCH INDUSTRIES INCIDENT NOTIFICATION FORM**

PLEASE RETAIN COPY FOR PERSONAL RECORD

  1.                Fill out form correctly and accurately
  2.                Send a copy of form to any other personnel that were involved
  3.                Send a copy of form to Human Resource Manager
  4.                Submit completed form to Administrative Director within 10 days of incident



**SECTION I- PERSONNEL**

 

**Name and Position of Filer:**

Dick Simmons, Human Resource Manager of Sales Department

 

**Human Resource Manager of Filer:**

N/A

 

**Was Filer Personally Involved?**

Unfortunately yes

 

**Incident Date:**

31/7/15

 

**Incident Location:**

3rd Floor Conference Room

 

**List of Other Personnel Involved:**

Dexter Grif, Director of Sales

Lavernius Tucker, Key Account Manager

Michael J. Caboose, Inside Salesperson

Leonard Church, Inside Sales Manager

Franklin Delano Donut, Outside Sales Representative

 

**SECTION II- TYPE OF INCIDENT**

SEE HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGER FOR CLARIFICATION ON OWHS CATAGORIES. IF INJURY SEE BLOOD GULCH INDUSTRIES INJURY REPORT FORM.

 

_ OWHS TYPE 1- MINOR HAZARD

_ OWHS TYPE 2- MAJOR HAZARD

X OWHS TYPE 3- SALES DEPARTMENT

 

IF TYPE 1 SEE SECTION III

IF TYPE 2 SEE SECTION IV

IF TYPE 3 SEE SECTION V

 

**SECTION V- TYPE 3**

**Summarize Third Party Involvement:**

I believe the department bought the cake from a third party despite Donut’s protests to the contrary. I will see that this came at no cost to the company.

 

**Summarize Damage to Company Property:**

The whiteboard had drawings which will need to be cleaned as Caboose used permanent marker again. Confetti will need to be vacuumed as well as the champagne stains will need to be cleaned out of the carpet. I would personally burn the conference room projector as well as Tucker’s laptop but that is not a necessity.

 

**Summarize Damage to Company Personnel:**

Very little physically, Tucker may have a black eye but that is to be expected. Emotionally, I don’t think the department will ever fully recover. Expect the department to be cautious about going into the conference room.

 

**Were Emergency Services Called?**

Almost, Grif attempted to call emergency services claiming that “Tucker needed to be stopped at any cost” and that his “unclean eyes needed avenging” fortunately he was too scarred by the events to make it to the phone.

 

**Are There More Incident Reports to Follow?**

This is incident report 1 of 2 for the 31st of July.

 

**SECTION VI- THE INCIDENT**

 

**Describe the Incident**

INCLUDE AS MUCH DETAIL AS POSSIBLE INCLUDING NAMES OF PERSONNEL, MITIGATING FACTORS, AND JUSTIFYING CIRCUMSTANCES

 

It was my own fault really. After two days of not so much as a spitball from the sales department I should have known they were planning something. A notice was posted on the notice board by Tucker clearly mocking my way of talking to the department. It read that he was holding a seminar in the conference room which he called “I Have a Boner for Paperwork…. and Grif: The Life and Times of Dick Simmons” No Sarge it is not actually pretty funny. I attended the seminar out of a morbid curiosity and also out of knowing this would become an OWHS hazard.   
  
As I walked in I was greeted by my department all smirking at me, I almost immediately regretted my decision to turn up. The conference room had been turned into something reminiscent of a children’s birthday party gone horribly wrong. There were streamers covering the walls of the room, balloons dangling from the ceiling, crudely drawn drawings of god knows what on the whiteboard, and worst of all there was a cake in the middle of the table which had written in icing “Congrats on The Sex and The Subsequent Relationship”. Frankly Sarge it was the stuff of nightmares, it had Donut written all over it. 

 

Once I got over my initial horror of the décor I was hit in the head by a champagne cork. I got an instant headache, not from the cork but from Donut who started to sing Let’s Talk about Sex by Salt n Pepa. I am going to point out so you can feel the whole terror that when he got the “Let’s talk about you and me” part he pointed at me for “you” and for the “me” he pointed at Grif. Grif was currently sitting on a chair in the middle of the room very pointedly not looking at me and was as red as your office Sarge.  Donut directed me to the chair next to Grif and handed me the offending champagne bottle, I declined as it is against office policy to drink on company grounds. Grif snatched the bottle off of Donut and preceded to down the thing in one.

 

Donut made his way to the front of the room to join Tucker who was in charge of this shamble of a seminar. Grif quickly whispered to me as Caboose turned the lights off that he was sorry and he had nothing to do with this. I am hesitant to believe him Sarge. Tucker began by doing a less than flattering impersonation of you, he then had to stop halfway through his impersonation because he was laughing so hard at his own joke. This moment I feel fully encapsulates the “seminar”. He then began the power point presentation, which looked eerily similar to yours. Tucker began talking about a good touch and a bad touch but I don’t think he was fully listening to your seminar Sarge because he got them the wrong way around. He also went into far more graphic detail than you did and I for one was disgusted.  I should mention that Caboose was mostly in charge of the power point, so while Tucker was getting into almost pornographic descriptions Caboose had pictures of jack rabbits frolicking in a field, bees pollenating flower and birds flying in the sky. Something tells me that Caboose has not yet mastered the art of metaphors.

 

When the disastrous power point came to an end Grif tried to make an escape for the exit and Church, who up until now had been sitting in the back waiting patiently for this to be over, made a beeline to the cake. As we all know Sarge, Church only attends if there is free food. Tucker unfortunately yelled run the tape. What played on the projector was similar to one of your sexual harassment tapes. However instead they were two men and they were not as disgusted at having a co-worker make a pass at you as the woman in the video was. I won’t say too much but have you ever witnessed a gay porn parody of yourself? I don’t recommend it. I looked over to Grif and at this point he was curled up in the fetal position in his chair.

 

Once the video was over, Tucker then informed us that this nightmare was not over yet. He then explains that he would like us, meaning Grif and me, to act out a scenario similar to the ones you make the staff do. Except this one was not about safely navigating a potential lawsuit conversation, this one involved me, Grif, a can of whipped cream and the staff bathroom. I won’t go into detail on moral grounds but it was fairly depraved. I protested to do this on the grounds that the staff bathroom is for non-sexual uses only, Grif protested on the grounds that it was just plain unsanitary to waste perfectly good whipped cream in the staff bathroom. Tucker then responded with “why won’t you do it you’ve done it before?” Grif replied “not with whipped cream we haven’t” and that I believe is when all hell broke loose.

 

Tucker began yelling “I knew it!” over and over again. Grif had a few words to yell back, most of them I can’t write in a company document, but it ended in Grif punching Tucker and storming out of the conference room. Tucker quickly followed him resulting in the two having a very loud verbal altercation in the main area of Level 3. Now to the sales department this was simply a normal discussion albeit a more irate one than usual. However to the untrained eye, i.e. the other departments on Level 3, it did appear as though Grif was about to rip Tucker’s liver out through his throat. So it was no surprise that security was called, what was surprising was that it was Grif that they kicked out of the building. This is despite Tucker breaking at least 47 company regulations in the space of 30 minutes.   

 

Meanwhile Donut, Caboose and Church were calmly eating the cake Donut had prepared. However with all the level’s attention being brought to the conference room they were bound to notice the three men calmly eating cake as though there weren’t two homicidal men in front of them. And you know what this office is like Sarge, one mention of food and the entire Level was in the conference eating Donut’s sex cake. So yes it may have been my department’s fault that no one did work that day. On the positive side as I was about to leave to follow up Grif’s run in with Security, I overheard someone say that this was one of the nicer stunts that the sales department have pulled.

 

So in summary we ended the day with our Director of Sales trying to convince reception to let him back in the building, which I think we should be proud Grif didn’t take the opportunity to have the day off. We also had our Key Accounts Manager nursing a black eye and a bruised ego and we had to deal with a hyperactive Inside Salesperson who was on a sugar high. A normal Friday I think.

 

**SECTION VII- RECOMMENDED CONSEQUENCES**

TO BE FILLED OUT BY HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGER

 

**What Course of Action Do You Wish to See Taken?**

I fully recommend that Tucker receives a three day suspension without pay and a warning. I also think Donut needs to clean up the whiteboard, he received more than enough punishment babysitting a sugar driven Caboose.

 

SIGNED X- Dick Simmons

 

 

TO: Dick Simmons <dick.simmonsHRM@bloodgulchind.com>

FROM: Sarge <sargeAD@bloodgulchind.com>

SUBJECT: RE: Incident Report 1 31/7/15

 

To be frank with you Simmons, the most confronting thing about this report is that someone finds Grif attractive. God rest your soul for taking one for the whole of humanity.

 

Sarge out.


	3. Please stop asking me to fire you!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " Church, the appropriate response to a client saying no thank you is to thank them for their time and tell them where they can go if they change their mind not “Well why the fuck not?”!"
> 
> Or Performance Review Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um this is later than I expected. I am sorry

4/8/15

Hi everyone!

Just a reminder that Tucker’s suspension without pay is a punishment and not a holiday! Please stop asking me why Tucker gets a vacation and you don’t or I will give you a permanent vacation!

Thanks

Simmons

 

Hi everyone!

That last notice was intended as a threat not a promise! Please stop asking me to fire you! Church put the cardboard box back where you found it and put your stuff back on your desk where it belongs!

Thanks

Simmons

 

_[Note thrown at Simmons after the 1 st one accidentally landed in his coffee cup and ruined his coffee]_

 

I feel like we should say something about Friday

 

_[Note thrown at Grif landing in his sandwich, which did not deter Grif from eating it, the sandwich not the note]_

 

I said everything I needed to say in my incident reports which you don’t read.

 

_[Note thrown at Simmons with mayonnaise from Grif’s sandwich smeared on it]_

 

I did read this one actually. First of all “I think we should be proud that Grif didn’t decide to take the day off” fucking asshole, secondly “Grif was curled up in the fetal position” what the fuck and finally “I am hesitant to believe this” fuck you.

 

_[Note pelted at Grif that will probably leave a bruise]_

 

  1.       You literally just asked me to suspend you. Why the fuck wouldn’t it be a surprise that you didn’t take the day off?
  2.       You were, you looked more traumatized than when Kai walked in on us that one time.
  3.       Of course I was, it was a sales department thing you had to be involved somehow.



 

_[Note hurled at Simmons]_

 

You’re my boyfriend Simmons you’re supposed be on my side even when my side’s fucking stupid that’s how relationships work.

 

_[Note thrown at Grif, the sudden increase of flying scrunched up balls of paper and the angry faces of Grif and Simmons are starting to gain attention from the rest of the office]_

 

We’re never on the same side what the fuck are you talking about?

 

_[Note thrown at Simmons, a crowd is gathering]_

 

No that’s bickering that’s not what I’m talking about at all. When it comes to the two of us we can talk shit about each other, but when it comes to other people I fucking expect you to not fucking drag my name in the mud Simmons

 

_[Note thrown at Grif, Donut pulls his emergency bitch fight popcorn out of his desk drawer]_

 

Grif no one’s dragging your name in the mud. Don’t be so fucking dramatic.

 

_[Note thrown at Simmons, Church steals emergency popcorn]_

 

You told my boss that I was lazy and a liar. How the fuck am I supposed to take that Simmons? Is that seriously what you think of me? How fucking low is your opinion of me?

 

_[Note thrown at Grif, Donut has started to record the note passing to send immediately to Tucker]_

 

It’s literally my fucking job to tell your boss that you’re lazy and a liar, also it’s Sarge, his opinion of you couldn’t get any lower. And oh my god Grif I’m not getting into this over fucking note passing this isn’t the fucking Breakfast Club. If you want to talk to me like a fucking adult I’ll be in my office working which is what you should be doing.

 

_[Grif stands up and marches over to Simmons office and slams the door behind him. Muffled yelling is heard for the rest of the day. Donut gets out emergency snooping glass from draw and spends rest of the day eavesdropping and texting Tucker]_

 

5/8/15

Hi everyone!

I know we’re all professionals here and the sales department is one of the more successful departments of Blood Gulch but I feel I need to give you all a few pointers in customer service! First of all Church, the appropriate response to a client saying no thank you is to thank them for their time and tell them where they can go if they change their mind not “Well why the fuck not?”! Secondly Caboose you are here to sell our product to potential buyers you are not here to arrange playdates with clients! It doesn’t matter how awesome a time you had or how many drawings you did, you need to mention that you are selling a product to a client! And finally Donut please stop referring to yourself as a call boy to clients, you may spend most of your time on the phone but that is not what the term means!

Thanks

Simmons

 

6/8/15  

Hi everyone!

Due to the fact we have more suspensions and warnings than any other department (6 suspensions in the past 6 months and collectively 72 warnings) our performance review has been pushed forward to the 10/8/15 (Monday)! The Head of Human Resources and I will be conducting them for the following week, each of you will be called in for an interview please for the love of god give somewhat sane answers!

Thanks

Simmons

 

Wow is this something useful on the bulletin board? That’s a first Simmons

 

7/8/15

Hi everyone

Tucker’s return did not require a welcome back party! Donut you are officially banned from bringing anything that even remotely resembles party supplies to the office! I’m bringing Lopez in to search your desk for any celebratory items! There is also to be no more jumping out of cakes! It is unprofessional, a waste of cake and distressing to the rest of the staff! I am also nipping in the bud any more parties that aren’t pre-approved by me! You have been warned!

Thanks

Simmons

 

Don’t listen to him bro I appreciated it. Although you could have worn more than a thong.

 

Thanks Tucker. I was wondering if the nipple tassels were too much though?

 

Nah dude totally worked with your outfit

 

Hi everyone!

After much protest Donut may keep his party planner folder although I fail to see how such a folder is essential office equipment! But I swear if it’s used in any way shape or form it is being banned from the office immediately!

Thanks

Simmons

 

_[Note written on a ripped off bit of streamer thrown at Simmons]_

 

Well done loser you officially banned fun.

 

_[Note passed to Grif]_

 

Stage 1 of evil plan complete

_[Note passed to Simmons]_

 

You know there are more fun things to do around here than Donut’s party planner.

 

_[Note passed to Grif]_

 

I’ll meet you in the usual spot in 10

 

_[Note passed to Simmons]_

Why is it always about sex with you?

 

_[Note chucked at Grif as Simmons was leaving]_

 

Because it’s the one thing you’re good at. You coming or what?

 

10/8/15

 

**BLOOD GULCH INDUSTRIES PERFORMANCE REVIEW FORM**

**Employee’s Name:** Lavernius Tucker

**Title:** Key Account Manager

**Supervisor:** Frank DuFresne, Dick Simmons

**Date:** 10/8/15

 

**SECTION I- JOB DESCRIPTION**

  *          Attach a current approved job description, note any changes since last year’s Performance Review
  *          If performance goals were previously outlined attach and comment on progress



 

**SECTION II- PERFORMANCE COMPETENCIES**

 

  *          Attach and fill out the Performance Competencies form
  *          Attach last year’s form, if available, and comment on progress



 

**SECTION III- PERFORMANCE SUMMARY**

**List all qualities that contribute to employee’s effectiveness**

 

TUCKER: A large di-

SIMMONS: What Tucker means is that he has a strong work ethic and is very good at raising team morale

DUFRESNE: No I’d like to hear Tucker say it.

TUCKER: Well let’s just say team morale isn’t the only thing I’m good at raising. Bow chicka bow wow.

SIMMONS: Oh my god.

DUFRESNE: Tucker, although I appreciate that you are acknowledging and celebrating your sexuality-

SIMMONS: Please don’t encourage him

DUFRESNE: What the question means is effectiveness in the office and not day to day life.

TUCKER: I stand by my original statement Doc.

DUFRESNE: Well that’s… questionable. Moving on

 

**List aspects of employee’s performance that require improvement for greater effectiveness**

 

TUCKER: Whaaaat? There’s nothing wrong with me I’m perfect.

SIMMONS: Tucker, no. He means how can you do your work better.

TUCKER: You can give me more time off-

SIMMONS: Tucker-

TUCKER: No I’m being serious here, I’m fucking useless at the end of the day cause I worry about Junior. If I got off earlier I could pick him up and not have a five year old walk home on his own

DUFRESNE: Definitely Tucker we could work something out.

SIMMONS: See this is what happens when you take things seriously Tucker.

TUCKER: Great also if we could get Donut’s portrait of me put back up in reception that would be awesome.

SIMMONS: No

DUFRESNE: Now hold on Simmons, what possibly could be wrong with some creativity around the office? You know art in the office has been scientifically proven to boost morale among employees up to a 5% increase.

SIMMONS: Not this artwork. It’s a nude portrait, we were getting complaints.

TUCKER: As if.

DUFRESNE: If you can somehow get Donut to draw underpants on you we’ll put it back up.

 

**In what way is the employee ready for increased responsibility? List additional training needed to be successful.**

 

TUCKER: Fuck no

SIMMONS: In no way.

DUFRESNE: Now there’s no need to be such a Negative Nancy.

TUCKER: Fuck. That.

SIMMONS: Tucker has more than enough responsibility as Key Accounts Manager. He represents our company to some of our major clients and although Tucker may not seem it, he is exceptionally good at networking major clients which you can see the results of that in our profits margin last year.

TUCKER: Aw thanks bro.

 

**List employee’s professional goals for the year**

 

TUCKER: To be able to store something in the office fridge without having Grif eat it.

SIMMONS: Fuck yes.

DUFRESNE: I think that would come under personal goals

SIMMONS: No Doc you don’t understand. It’s a battle zone out there.

TUCKER: We disguised all our lunches as raw vegetables for a month so he wouldn’t eat them.

SIMMONS: He’s unstoppable

DUFRESNE: Well I suppose I can accept that

SIMMONS: Wait he didn’t eat the yoghurt did he?

TUCKER: You don’t want to fucking know

SIMMONS: Fucking fatass.

DUFRESNE: That’s inappropriate and a mean thing to say.

 

**List employee’s personal goals for the year**

 

TUCKER: Your mum

SIMMONS: Ok I think we’re done here.

DUFRESNE: Thank you Tucker. I hope the next year helps you to achieve your goals.

SIMMONS: Of what? Fucking your mother?

TUCKER: Thanks Doc, I’ll be extra gentle with her.

 

SIGNED x- LAVERNIUS TUCKER   

 

Hi everyone!

Just because I am not in this office at the moment does not mean you have free reign! Grif, Caboose is not a target for your spitballs and Tucker stop telling Caboose that they’re candies. Also Church, I know you left the office to see Tex again, stay in your office until lunch hours and home time.

Thanks

Simmons

 

11/8/15

 

**BLOOD GULCH INDUSTRIES PERFORMANCE REVIEW FORM**

**Employee’s Name:** Michael J Caboose

**Title:** Inside Salesperson

**Supervisor:** Frank DuFresne, Dick Simmons

**Date:** 11/8/15

 

**SECTION I- JOB DESCRIPTION**

  *          Attach a current approved job description, note any changes since last year’s Performance Review
  *          If performance goals were previously outlined attach and comment on progress



 

**SECTION II- PERFORMANCE COMPETENCIES**

 

  *          Attach and fill out the Performance Competencies form
  *          Attach last year’s form, if available, and comment on progress



 

**SECTION III- PERFORMANCE SUMMARY**

**List all qualities that contribute to employee’s effectiveness**

 

CABOOSE: I am very very VERY good at colouring in.

DUFRESNE: And?

CABOOSE: And I am also good at the puzzles on the back of cereal boxes.

DUFRESNE: And?

CABOOSE: And I am also good at being friends with Church

DUFRESNE: That’s a start. What makes you good at being friends with Church?

CABOOSE: Ah well sometimes he can be a little be grumpy and he won’t want anyone around him so I set up a space for him.

SIMMONS: He has these traffic cones and hazard tape.

DUFRESNE: I believe it’s detrimental to the office environment to isolate others.

SIMMONS: You haven’t met Church yet have you?

 

**List aspects of employee’s performance that require improvement for greater effectiveness**

 

CABOOSE: I think I would be better at my job if there were more puppies.

DUFRESNE: Well absolutely, every job should have puppies involved.

SIMMONS: No, absolutely not. Caboose we are not getting a dog we’ve talked about this.

CABOOSE: We’re getting a puppy! I will name him Mr. Patchy and we will go for walks to the printer.

SIMMONS: Now look what you’ve done. It’s going to be months before he gets over this.

DUFRESNE: But I didn’t, I was joking!

SIMMONS: You have to say no immediately after he says the word puppy. What the fuck’s wrong with you?

DUFRESNE: How was I supposed to know that?

SIMMONS: It’s Caboose! He just listed colouring in as his career defining trait, what the fuck do you expect?

CABOOSE: Can I go and get that puppy now?

SIMMONS: No!

 

**In what way is the employee ready for increased responsibility? List additional training needed to be successful.**

 

SIMMONS: No way in hell.

DUFRESNE: Just because Caboose is a unique thinker doesn’t mean we can’t find a thinking cap to fit him.

SIMMONS: I am not losing one of my best sales people to some corporate bullshit.

DUFRESNE: Excuse me?

SIMMONS: Caboose is good at knowing exactly what a client wants to hear to make them buy. Him and Tucker are 70% of this companies income. Caboose isn’t going anywhere.

DUFRESNE: But don’t you-

SIMMONS: No I meant that literally, sit down Caboose!

CABOOSE: Can we get that puppy _now_?

SIMMONS: No.

 

**List employee’s professional goals for the year**

 

CABOOSE: A pup-

SIMMONS: No

CABOOSE: And I want to sit next to Church

SIMMONS: No

DUFRESNE: That one sounds reasonable

SIMMONS: For Caboose maybe. Last time, Church threatened to quit, we had complaints that no-one on level 3 could work because all they could here was “Get the fuck away from me!” yelled 24/7.

DUFRESNE: Anything else Caboose?

CABOOSE: New markers.

SIMMONS: Promise me you won’t draw on the walls

CABOOSE: Ok

_[SIMMONS and CABOOSE shake hands]_

CABOOSE: Desks and people don’t count no take backs!

SIMMONS: Why is that the third time I’ve fucking fallen for that?

 

**List employee’s personal goals for the year**

  
CABOOSE: Can I go now? I promised Tucker that next time I got markers I would draw his tattoo design on his arms.

SIMMONS: This is the last question Caboose.

CABOOSE: Oh good. Bye Doc.

DUFRESNE: No Caboose you have to answer the-

[ _CABOOSE has left_ ]

SIMMONS: Well that answers that question.

 

SIGNED X- CABOOSE

 

 

Hi everyone!

There is now a reward system in place for whoever catches Church leaving the building! It involves a bonus and candy! This will remain until Church learns the basics of being an employee!

Thanks

Simmons

 

12/8/15

 

**BLOOD GULCH INDUSTRIES PERFORMANCE REVIEW FORM**

**Employee’s Name:** Dexter Grif

**Title:** Director of Sales

**Supervisor:** Frank DuFresne, Dick Simmons

**Date:** 12/8/15

 

**SECTION I- JOB DESCRIPTION**

  *          Attach a current approved job description, note any changes since last year’s Performance Review
  *          If performance goals were previously outlined attach and comment on progress



 

**SECTION II- PERFORMANCE COMPETENCIES**

 

  *          Attach and fill out the Performance Competencies form
  *          Attach last year’s form, if available, and comment on progress



 

**SECTION III- PERFORMANCE SUMMARY**

**List all qualities that contribute to employee’s effectiveness**

 

GRIF: Ummm, I don’t know

SIMMONS: I don’t think you even have any effective qualities.

GRIF: Hey now! That’s not true! There was this one time I signed off on something, I forget what it was but it felt important.

SIMMONS: Probably another incident report.

GRIF: I am really effective at creating a need for incident reports.

SIMMONS: God only knows what else you’re good at.

GRIF: I guess this is what happens when you fuck your way to the top.

SIMMONS: Shut the fuck up fatass.

GRIF: Fucking loser.

DUFRESNE: Am I in the middle of something here?

SIMMONS: Oh do you not read our incident reports?

DUFRESNE: I gave up trying to keep up with those a long time ago.

SIMMONS: Grif, we’re going to have to tone down our affection.

GRIF: I honestly don’t think you could tone yours down any further.

DUFRESNE: So you two are?

GRIF: Yeah Simmons what are we?

SIMMONS: ….We’re intimate.

GRIF: Fucking hell Simmons. You make it sound so clinical.

SIMMONS: Well you try fucking defining us then if you think you’re so good at it.

GRIF: Boyfriend, Simmons. I’m your boyfriend, I know relationships are a foreign area to you but Jesus Christ, Simmons this is fucking ridiculous.

DUFRESNE: Should we get back to the question?

GRIF: I am good at boosting morale among employees and making full use of the office fridge, next question.

 

 

**List aspects of employee’s performance that require improvement for greater effectiveness**

SIMMONS: Let’s skip this question, Grif is clearly already perfect in every way.

GRIF: Fuck off.   
SIMMONS: I compliment you and this is the thanks I get.

GRIF: Yeah usually compliments aren’t dripping with sarcasm.

SIMMONS: I’m just not used to giving you compliments Grif, I’m on a learning curve.

DUFRESNE: What areas of performance need improvement, Grif?

GRIF: Oh shit we still on that? Umm I guess I could cut down on the use of spitballs and whoopi cushions.

SIMMONS: I completely forgot about Mr. Goldberg.

GRIF: He’s served me well.

SIMMONS: He hasn’t been used in a while actually.

GRIF: Oh well can we change it to raise the use of whoopi cushion?

DUFRESNE: I suppose.

 

**In what way is the employee ready for increased responsibility? List additional training needed to be successful.**

 

GRIF: Are you serious? Where could I possibly go from Director of Sales?

DUFRESNE: Well actually there is a long list of senior positions that you are potentially right for-

SIMMONS: But Grif isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

GRIF: Aren’t I?

SIMMONS: Although Grif is a lazy son of a bitch, he is good at what he does, Sarge would not have let him have this position if he wasn’t. He knows the office well enough to be able to get the best out of all of them. He’s so much better than Vic was and sales have gone up by 30% since Grif took over.  
GRIF: Where is all this coming from?

SIMMONS: Where’s all what coming from?

GRIF: All these compliments and respect.

SIMMONS: Would you rather I give my personal opinion?

GRIF: Why what would that be?

SIMMONS: You are a fucking jerk and you’re the sole reason I have to write an average of 5 incident reports a day. But because you’re so damn good at your job when you actually do it that I can’t fire you. So I’m stuck here having to defend you to Sarge all the time which puts my job on the line. So if you fuck up even slightly I’m fired because I was the one who said the company needs you. You stress me out literally every second of the working day and then I fell in love with you, which I don’t know why I would do that, so now you stress me out all the time. So to be honest, no I wouldn’t give you a senior position because I’ve worked too fucking hard for you to just get up and leave.

GRIF: Simmons… I don’t know why I love you either.

DUFRESNE: Um if we could please get back to the performance report?

 

**List employee’s professional goals for the year**

GRIF: Find new and exciting ways to annoy Simmons and Sarge.

SIMMONS: That’s a terrible goal

GRIF: Why?

SIMMONS: It doesn’t take much for you to annoy Sarge and me.

GRIF: Yes but have I ever annoyed you with interpretive dance before?

SIMMONS: Yes.

GRIF: Well that was just an example.

DUFRESNE: I really think we ought to get back on topic here.

GRIF: How bout a Zoolander style catwalk fight?

SIMMONS: I think that’s too similar to your impromptu red carpet.

GRIF: Oh I forgot about that. Yeah no you’re right.

SIMMONS: Any other professional goals?

GRIF: Still have a job by the next performance review.

SIMMONS: Ha! Good luck with that.

GRIF: You say that as though you didn’t just tell me that it’d be a cold day in hell before you’d let me get fired.

SIMMONS: …Next question Doc

 

**List employee’s personal goals for the year**

 

GRIF: I want to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

SIMMONS: No.

GRIF: Well failing that I’ve always wanted to go paintballing.

SIMMONS: If you’re trying to do a company retreat then I suggest you remember why we cancelled company retreats and fuck off.

GRIF: Was that the whitewater rafting?

SIMMONS: We nearly lost Donut, Grif.

GRIF: Caboose didn’t know his own strength that’s all.

SIMMONS: No one is fucking dying on my watch Grif, I can’t do a lot for this department but I’ll be damned if I let one of you kill yourselves out of your own stupidity.

GRIF: Aw thanks Daddy.

SIMMONS: Never say anything like that to me ever again.

GRIF: That felt so gross.

SIMMONS: Just go.

GRIF: I promise never again.

SIMMONS: I can’t even look at you right now.

GRIF: Sorry.

 

SIGNED X- Dexter Grif

 

Hi everyone!

This is not Big Brother therefore people cannot be evicted from the office! Do not lock Donut in the closet again!

Thanks

Simmons

 

13/8/15

**BLOOD GULCH INDUSTRIES PERFORMANCE REVIEW FORM**

**Employee’s Name:** Leonard Church

**Title:** Inside Sales Manager

**Supervisor:** Frank DuFresne, Dick Simmons

**Date:** 13/8/15

 

**SECTION I- JOB DESCRIPTION**

  *          Attach a current approved job description, note any changes since last year’s Performance Review
  *          If performance goals were previously outlined attach and comment on progress



 

**SECTION II- PERFORMANCE COMPETENCIES**

 

  *          Attach and fill out the Performance Competencies form
  *          Attach last year’s form, if available, and comment on progress



 

**SECTION III- PERFORMANCE SUMMARY**

**List all qualities that contribute to employee’s effectiveness**

 

CHURCH:…

DUFRESNE: What qualities contribute to your effectiveness?

CHURCH:…

DUFRESNE: I asked you a question Leonard.

CHURCH: …

SIMMONS: Is this really how you want to play this?  
CHURCH: …

SIMMONS: Jesus fucking Christ. Here’s ten bucks and I’ll give you an extra hour for lunch.

CHURCH: ….

SIMMONS: Fifteen and an hour and a half.

CHURCH: ….

SIMMONS: Fucking fine Church, twenty and the rest of the day off.

CHURCH: What was the question?

DUFRESNE: List the qualities that contribute to your effectiveness.

CHURCH: No.

SIMMONS: I dock two dollars off that twenty for every stupid answer you give me.

CHURCH: I’m blunt and straight to the point.

 

**List aspects of employee’s performance that require improvement for greater effectiveness**

 

CHURCH: I don’t need your self-improvement bullshit.

DUFRESNE: The latest studies have shown that-

CHURCH: Yeah well the latest studies can kiss my dick.

SIMMONS: I would put down tact and people skills, Doc.

**In what way is the employee ready for increased responsibility? List additional training needed to be successful.**

 

CHURCH: No

DUFRESNE: Is this a stupid answer or…

SIMMONS: No he’s right he’s not.

DUFRESNE: So how is Church crucial to your team?

SIMMONS: Oh he’s not.

DUFRESNE: He’s not?

SIMMONS: Caboose won’t work here if Church doesn’t. 

DUFRESNE: Oh

 

**List employee’s professional goals for the year**

 

CHURCH: I don’t have any.

SIMMONS: Believe me, I know you don’t.

DUFRESNE: Now Simmons, you must be more supportive of your employees. Tell me Church, what do you hope to gain out of this job?

CHURCH: A salary.

SIMMONS: And we support you with this dream of yours.

**List employee’s personal goals for the year**

**  
** CHURCH: Isn’t this just the same fucking question?

SIMMONS: Yes.

DUFRESNE: Well no actually, it’s not. This question is more focused on you and your five year plan so to speak.

CHURCH: My what?

SIMMONS: Church wasn’t there for that seminar. In fact, Church here was the reason why they changed the attendance policy to _justifiably_ morally abhorrent.

DUFRESNE: Right… So Church what it is-

CHURCH: Can I go?

SIMMONS: Answer the question.

CHURCH: I hope in five years I won’t be in the same fucking dead end job.

SIMMONS: Good now you can go, thanks Church. 

 

SIGNED X- Church

Hi everyone!

I don’t care how distraught Caboose was when Church left, it didn’t warrant sedation! I don’t know where you got the horse tranquilizers but I want all of them gone from this office by tomorrow! Doc saw what happened and he ordered a drug search for this office tomorrow, which is a first for this office. Please for the love of god don’t let them find anything

Thanks

Simmons

 

_[Note pelted at Grif]_

 

Get Donut to throw out the party planner folder ASAP

 

_[Note passed to Simmons]_

 

How do you know about that?

 

_[Note thrown at Grif]_

 

I’m not a fucking idiot, Grif. Church asked me if I could leave the party planner when I cleaned out Donut’s party stuff. He asked me Grif, he said please, it was horrifying. It had to be drugs.  

 

_[Note passed sheepishly to Simmons]_

 

I just thought you should know I’m not involved in that… anymore. Not as much as I used to.

_[Note passed to Grif]_

 

How comforting. Get rid of it.

 

14/8/15

**BLOOD GULCH INDUSTRIES PERFORMANCE REVIEW FORM**

**Employee’s Name:** Franklin Delano Donut

**Title:** Outside Sales Representative

**Supervisor:** Frank DuFresne, Dick Simmons

**Date:** 14/8/15

 

**SECTION I- JOB DESCRIPTION**

  *          Attach a current approved job description, note any changes since last year’s Performance Review
  *          If performance goals were previously outlined attach and comment on progress



 

**SECTION II- PERFORMANCE COMPETENCIES**

 

  *          Attach and fill out the Performance Competencies form
  *          Attach last year’s form, if available, and comment on progress



 

**SECTION III- PERFORMANCE SUMMARY**

**List all qualities that contribute to employee’s effectiveness**

 

DONUT: A can do attitude and a perky smile!

DUFRESNE: You have no idea how nice it is to hear a genuine answer.

DONUT: Why thank you.

DUFRESNE: Any other qualities?

DONUT: I have a stiff sales pitch that I prod clients with over and over until they give in and buy!

SIMMONS: Uh Donut-

DUFRESNE: That’s wonderful Donut!

DONUT: Sometimes I worry about my sales pitch because although it’s long I feel like it’s not straight enough.

DUFRESNE: It’s ok when I used to work in sales mine was very straight but not very long.

SIMMONS: I think the phrase is “straight to the point”.

DUFRESNE: Don’t be so pedantic Simmons, we all know what we’re talking about here.

SIMMONS: I don’t.

  

**List aspects of employee’s performance that require improvement for greater effectiveness**

 

DONUT: I think a lack of confidence is my major flaw.

DUFRESNE: What do you mean?

DONUT: Well sometimes I look at my pitch and I think to myself “I’m going to blow it”

SIMMONS: Jesus Christ.

DUFRESNE: And do you?

DONUT: I think it affects me. I mean I’ll get on the phone with the client and I’ll go faster than usual and then I’ll drive my pitch harder to compensate. And then the client will give in just to get it over with, I end up sweaty and unsatisfied with the outcome to be honest with you Doc.

SIMMONS: Sound like Grif.

DUFRESNE: Excuse me?

SIMMONS: Nothing. We were talking about your premature pitch?

DUFRESNE: Did I show you my tool?  
SIMMONS: I beg your pardon?

DUFRESNE: My stress ball. I like to grab my ball to relieve tension before a big pitch session.

SIMMONS: Just the one?

DUFRESNE: Have a look.

_[DUFRESNE reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a stress ball and gives it to DONUT]_

DONUT: How cute!

SIMMONS: It’s a lot smaller than I expected.

DONUT: You know I think I could fondle this all day long.

DUFRESNE: Do you want me to get you some balls?

SIMMONS: I like to think Donut has his own balls

DONUT: Simmons is right I do have balls, but I would always appreciate more balls to handle.

 

**In what way is the employee ready for increased responsibility? List additional training needed to be successful.**

 

DONUT: I don’t want to leave this job. I like my partners here, there is a definite “we all did it together” vibe that you don’t get anywhere else.

DUFRESNE: You sure?

DONUT: As satisfying as it sounds to get on top I think I’d much rather take it from behind.

SIMMONS: You can take it from behind any time you want Donut.

 

**List employee’s professional goals for the year**

DONUT: I want to get more skilled with my pitch, I want my clients to really feel it.

DUFRESNE: I think if you play around with your pitch more, experiment with it and get to know it you’ll become more confident.

DONUT:  I’ll get started on that as soon as I can

 

**List employee’s personal goals for the year**

 

DONUT: I want Grif to stop eating my nuts.

SIMMONS: He eats your nuts and you didn’t think to tell me?

DONUT: He eats all the food I bring in! I brought in coconut balls the other day and sure enough Grif had eaten my balls as well!

SIMMONS: Believe me I will tell Grif to stop eating your balls.

DONUT: I hope you give it to him hard.

SIMMONS: Oh I will.

 

SIGNED X- Franklin Delano Donut

_[Note passed to Grif]_

  
Apparently you’ve been eating Donut’s nuts should I be worried?

 

_[Note passed to Simmons]_

No they were too salty for my tastes

 

_[Note passed to Grif]_

 

Also I don’t know how you did it and please don’t tell me but you all passed the drug tests. Now I have something to hold over the other HRMs. Rhonda may not have her own section in the incident report template but she does have at least six positive drug tests. I think morally I win.

 

_[Note passed to Simmons]_

                 

You are literally the saddest person I have ever met in my life. Seriously Simmons I worry about you.

 

{Note passed to Grif]

 

Love you too. Drinks tonight?

_[Note passed to Simmons]_

  
Wouldn’t miss it   

 

 


	4. It seems Sarge and Caboose have discovered the karaoke machine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The drinks bar has actual drinks this year instead of fucking fruit punch.”  
> “Oh no.”  
> “I won’t have to spike it as per Christmas party tradition,”
> 
> or The Office Christmas Party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this mostly on my phone so I'm sorry about grammar. Um this one's more about the couples of the office then anything else, I feel like they get ignored in this fic a lot. Also excuse the shitty spacing, it just doesnt like me.

“Oh my god. This is incredible.”

“Donut has outdone himself this year. I’ll give him that.”

“No I mean the drinks bar has actual drinks this year instead of fucking fruit punch.” 

“Oh no.” 

“I won’t have to spike it as per Christmas party tradition,”

“Grif.”

“Simmons, you’re lying to yourself if you didn’t already know that.”

“Well fuck it if you’re drinking I’m drinking too.”

“Look at you loosening up. Never thought this day would arrive.”

“Go fuck yourself Grif.”

“Right back atcha babe.”

“Oh no.”

“What?”

“Is that a karaoke machine?”

“Oh no.”

“I know.”

“Do you think he’d notice if we unplugged it and threw it out the window.”

“No harm in finding out.”

“Listen you distract him and I’ll do the deed.”

“How would I distract him exactly?”

“I don’t know, strip. That’d distract me.”

“No it wouldn’t. You’d look over at me and go not now dear I’ve got a headache.”

“Oh so it’s going to be like that is it?”

“Yeah it is.”

“Well maybe if I was looking at something a little bit more impressive I might have less headaches.”

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah I went there.”

“I should have listened to my mother about you.”

“Ok that one’s a little too real.”

“Sorry.”

“Drinks?”

“Oh fuck yes.”

* * *

“Why are we going to this again?”

“Because your office needs to know me as something other than the woman Church occasionally fucks in the bathroom.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah ‘oh’”

“When did you start caring what these dipshits thought of you?”

“When they started leaving condoms out in the bathroom.”

“To be fair they may not have been there for us.”

“Church, I swear to god.”

“Ok fine. I’m not being social though.”

“When do you ever?”

“….”

“Thought so.”

* * *

“DUDEEEE!”

“Tucker!”

“This is awesome!”

“Thanks Tucker that means a lot”

“You did all this by yourself?”

“When it comes to designing, sometimes your own touch is better than other people’s help.”

“Dude. A bar? That’s awesome!

“The non-alcoholic option is the apple punch.”

“Wait these are alcoholic?”

“Yep,”

“Donut I love you.”

“And I love you too.”

“Oh my god.”

“What?”

“Is that Wash?”

“Who?”

“The receptionist, the new one.”

“Oh yeah so it is.”

“Fuck.”

“Oh I think someone’s got a crush.”

“Donut he’s the reason why I hung your picture in reception,”

“Then what are you standing here for?”

‘Shut up.”

“Hey Wash!”

“ShUT UP!”

“Aw he didn’t hear.”

“Good I need more alcohol.”

“Don’t we all. Ok that’s it Church needs to be stopped.”

“What why?”

“He’s already eaten all of the wings and he’s making his way to the pizza.”

“Goddamn dude. Good luck.”

* * *

“Oh my god what is that sound?”

“It seems Sarge and Caboose have discovered the karaoke machine.”

“Fuck me, Simmons make it stop.”

“We’re only an hour in and Grif has already been broken.”

“Simmons if you love me even a little you will go up there and pull that cord.”

“I don’t want to be killed by Donut do you know how embarrassing that’d be.”

“I can’t do it. Sarge would throw the machine at me.”

“No, he’s more creative than that. That wouldn’t be a death he could brag about.”

“Fuck you,”

“What?”

“You’re thinking about ways to kill me right now.”

“Yeah, it’s cathartic.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Come on it’s kinda funny, Sarge’s face as he screams ‘GRIFFFF YOU ORANGE BASTARD!’ and throws the Christmas tree star ninja style at you.”

“Orange?”

“Yeah. He thinks you’re bright orange I’ve told him countless times you’re native Hawaiian but he doesn’t get it.”

“What like fake tan bright orange?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s incredible.”

“I know he’s color coordinated all of us. I’m maroon because that’s the color I turn when I hand in yet another incident report.”

“Ok should I ask how you found this out?”

“His emails are literary gold.”

“And you’ve never brought this up before.”

“My favorite will always be ‘I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SALES DEPARTMENT IN MY MOTHERFUCKING OFFICE.’”

“Oh my god.”

“That was after you guys smashed a wall down and we moved into Sarge’s department for a couple of days.”

“Ahh yes. Good times. Did he ever notice that at the bottom of his top draw I had written I’m watching you?”

“Oh I had forgotten about that! Yes and he said to tell you to get back to work or get a hobby.”

“If I started staring at Sarge now how long would it take for him to notice do you think?”

“Five minutes max.”

“I’m thinking a good half hour.”

“Wanna bet on it?”

“You’re on.”

* * *

"You gotta go do it."

"I can't."

"Tucker for fuck's sake you have been whining in my fucking ear about this all night, just go fucking talk to him." 

"But what if he's not interested?"

"Then make him interested I don't fucking know."

"I can't do it man I'm not drunk enough."

"You will never be drunk enough just fucking go over there and stop hanging around me."

"How did you get Tex?"

"What? I don't know. I didn't really get Tex she got me. I don't think she was too impressed with the results."

"As if anyone would go after your grumpy ass."

"Fuck you. She loved it, she thought I was dark and mysterious."

"She thought you were dark?"

"Personality wise you fucking dickshit. She was on a pub crawl with the other people from Freelancer. I bumped into her at the pub, at first she was only flirting with me to piss off her co-workers but then she realised she actually liked me,"

"Freelancer?"

"The other big company around here she's part of their sales department. They're fucking ruthless over there."

"She works in sales?"

"How do you not fucking know this?"

"Because you've literally never brought this up in the four years we've known each other."

"You're fucking joking. I talk about things."

"Yeah your favourite topics include 'Why the fuck am I still working here?' and 'why is Caboose still fucking talking to me?'"

"Fuck you."

"You're not social at all Church. Not even a little bit. Which is great because now I can talk about my problems all I want and all you'll say is I don't fucking care."

"Fine you're right what fucking ever."

"Where is Tex anyway?"

"She's talking to Caboose. I think they're getting along and it's scaring me."

"Ok whatever back to me. He looked at me and smiled what do you think that means?"

"Ohhhh myy goddd"

"No but do you think he's flirting with me or?"

"Fucking hell Tucker just go over there."

"Nooooo."

"I have never seen you like this before." 

"Shut up"

"Just go over there why fuck around?"

"Ok fine! Fine!"

"What seriously?"

"Yeah fuck just gimme a second to have another shot. Or two"

"Just go."

"Fuck ok wish me luck"

"Go fuck yourself."

"Thank you"

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey"

"...."

"Who are you exactly?"

"Oh sorry I'm Tucker I'm in the sales department."

"Oh you. You were the naked guy in the painting."

"Yeah you can thank Donut for that work of art."

"Oh?"

"Secret Santa gift"

"But that went up in June"

"We plan early in sales."

"Really?"

"Yep. Actually Donut got over excited about the holiday season and Grif wanted an opportunity to fuck Simmons."

"What was your gain out of it?"

"Me? I just went along for the ride. You have to do that in sales."

"Yeah. I remember."

"You remember?"

"I used to work for Freelancer. Things got too intense there, I had to get out of there."

"So you came over to our shithole,"

"Well it's better than the alternative."

"True."

"So... Are you the one who put Idris Elba in the bathroom?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"Your opinion of me if I said yes."

"I think it was hilarious. No one used the urinals for two weeks."

"Aw dude that's not even my best work here let me tell you about the time where I convinced Sarge that Shelia is a government agent spying on us for their own evil gain."

"Oh my god. I'd think I need a drink before I hear this,"

"I go grab something."

"Guinness?"

"You must be joking."

"What?"

"Dinner and a drink."

"Hey I haven't eaten yet."

"Then I'm getting Jaeger."

"Please don't"

* * *

"I don't know what you're complaining about."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"The people here, they're really nice."

"Are you sure?"

"They are, you just despise any sort of social interaction"

"Are you saying that just to fucking spite me?"

"Oh my god, Church."

"They're a fucking pain in my fucking ass."

"Ok yeah they're a little...” 

"Fucking annoying?”

“Tenacious. But you know what they're good people."

"Since when have you ever stuck your neck out for people?”

“Since I started dating someone even more bitter and jaded than me.”

“So?”

“So one of us here has to tolerate people and it’s going to have to be me.”

“Ok you do that then.”

“I really liked Caboose.”

“I was afraid of that.”

“I mean he’s a bit enthusiastic-“

“And dumb”

“But he cares about you, he talks about you too. Wouldn’t stop actually it was just like talking to you.”

“Fuck you.”

“It’s sweet Church, not even I care about you that much.”

“Thanks.”

“And do you know what?”

“No,”

“I think you like him too.”

“Fuck off, no I don’t.”

“Ok well you continue being your grumpy self and I go enjoy myself like a normal person.”

“Fine see if I care.”

“Want me to sneak you the rest of the pizza?”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

* * *

"Babe."

"Babe?"

"You don't get ownership over affectionate nicknames in this relationship."

"Well no but-"

"Babe."

"Yes Simmons"

"Babe I know we have a weird relationship."

"Yeah"

"And I know sometimes you think I don't like you."

"I don't think that Simmons"

"No you do cause I'm awkward and rude to you"

"How can you be this drunk Simmons you only had two."

"I'm not drunk Grif I'm telling you I love you! Why do I have to be drunk to say that?"

"I don't know if you've ever met yourself, but you aren't exactly the most emotionally available person."

"I just love you Griffy, a lot."

"Oh my god"

"Shut the fuck up! I love the way you're an idiot all the time, I love how you always match me whenever we bicker. I love how you're so fucking smart and lazy and resourceful and good at sex."

"Are you done yet?"

"Griffin I love you"

"Ok I think it's time we head out of here."

"No no you're supposed to say it."

"Say what?"

"Say I love you back"

"I love you back."

"No like you mean it!"

"What?"

"You're just repeating what I'm saying you don't mean it."

"Simmons I mean it I love you."

"What do you love about me?" 

"Could we not do this in the middle of the office?"

"Everyone's drunk here you're fine."

"I must love you if I'm willing to do this."

"Do what?"

"I think that you're possibly the best thing to ever happen to me. I think I'd still be on my ass at home with a bong if I hadn't met you."

"How did I change that?" 

"You presented a challenge."

"A challenge?"

"I wanted you to pay attention to me. I didn't want anything when I started this shitty job, didn't even want the job. But I wanted you. And if the only way you'd pay attention to me was to do stupid shit then fuck it I'm going to do stupid shit. I just needed you in my life Simmons."

"Dex"

"I'm not calling you Dick I refuse."

"No shut up go back to the bit before."

"What bit?"

The bit where we got together."

"Oh well I don't know I found it surreal that you even wanted me I guess. I think you're incredible, I think that you have a tenacity that drives people insane fuck you drive me insane."

"Oh thanks"

"No Simmons you drive me insane I can't stop thinking about you ever since the moment I met you. And I know it's cheesy and awful but it's true I love you and you're not going to remember any of this in the morning are you?"

"Oh fuck you. I'm not drunk."

"You're so drunk." 

"Nooooo I'm not"

"Let's get you home"

* * *

"Ohhh myy god, you didn't"

"Dude you don't understand it was war out there Simmons and Grif ganged up against the rest of us we needed to take them down."

"With porn?"

"It was the only way."

"Look I have a conwession."

"A conwession?"

"Shut up."

"What's this conwession?"

"When I worked at freelancer I was exactly the same I once placed a blow up doll at one of the empty desks and called her Alaska. But it's not like here there.  They don't tolerate that there, which is fair enough it's a workplace. But you know Tucker they popped Alaska."

"No!"

"I know she had only just started in the world."

"Are you tearing up a little there?"

"No I just have alcohol in my eye."

"And everywhere else. Are you doing alright there?"

"No, it's alright it's nothing." 

"What?"

"It's just weird."

"What?"

"I kinda wanna kiss you right now but that's weird right? Tell me that's weird."

"That's not weird at all, because I kinda wanna too."

"Shall we get out of here?"

"Absolutely"

* * *

“Were you talking to Caboose?”

“Yeah.”

“By choice?”

“Yeah”

“Are you drunk?”

“Yeah.”

“What were you talking to him about?”

“I dunno. Stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“He’s a good kid,”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s head home.”

“Hey, Tex.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a good kid too.”

* * *

“Oh fuck.”

“What?”

“Oohhh fuck”

“Dude would you chill? It’s like 7 in the morning, why are you even awake?”

“Fuck!”

“Dude, stop.”

“Did we?”

“I dunno probably…. yes.”

“Fucking shit.”

“Oh my god stop. It’s fine.”

“I’m not gay.”

“….”

“I’m not.”

“I can’t believe you woke me at 7 to tell me no homo.”

“But I’m not I can’t be.”

“Look if you’re going to have a personal crisis or some shit could you do it at a reasonable hour.”

“For fuck’s sake Tucker!”

“Don’t yell at me, you’re the one who said yes to this.”

“Why would I? I’m not gay!”

“You keep saying that.”

“But I’m not.”

“No but you were drunk.”

“So? I’ve never been gay while drunk before.”

“Maybe I’m just that good looking.”

“TUCKER!”

“What? You clearly thought so.”

“Why would this happen?”

“I don’t know the office Christmas party does this to people.”

‘Fuck me.”

“I thought you were trying to avoid that.”

“Tucker… Did I top?”

“Who cares?”

“I care!”

“Why because it’d be less gay then? You’d still be sticking your dick in another man.”

“…”

“Yeah that’s what I thought. Go the fuck back to sleep.”

“Tucker…”

“What?”

“I’m all sticky.”

“Welcome to sex.”

“I’m using your shower.”

“Don’t wake Junior.”

“You have a kid?”

“Yeah.”

“And they’re here?”

“Um where else would he be?”

“We drunkenly fucked while your kid was in the next room.”

“So?”

“Isn’t that wrong… like morally?”

“Why? It wasn’t like he was watching.”

“Won’t he have heard?”

“Look as a parent you gotta sometimes just go fuck it this is what therapy is for.”

“Ok… well… My button up shirt has no buttons on it.”

“Must have ripped them off. Borrow one of mine.”

“Never thought I’d be that keen to fuck you.”

“Oh fuck you.”

“You already did.”

“Glad to see you’re over the gay panic.”

“Oh I’m not, I absolutely am not.”

“Ok well talk to me when you’re not boring.”

“Will do.”

* * *

“Hey Grif.”

“….”

“Grif.”

“Ughhh”

“Grif!’

“Fuck off.

“GRIF!”

“Fucking what?”

“I remember.”

“What? Shouldn’t you be hungover now? Why are you awake?”

“You said I wouldn’t remember but I do.”

“So?”

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me too.”

“Great go back to bed.”

“And you drive me insane as well.”

“Simmons, sleep.”

“But not your kind of insane just irritable.”

“Simmons!”

“Fine fine!”

 


End file.
